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1. Doctor: Are you getting enough rest?
Me: Stares blankly. “Is ‘binge-watching Netflix’ considered rest?”
2. We were 3 parsecs out of Tatooine on the edge of the Kessel Run when the drugs began to take hold
Incoherent mumbling. Han Solo, eat your heart out.
3. Driving test
Instructor: Turn the car on
Awkwardly rubs the dashboard. “Uh, you like that, car? Smooth ride ahead!”
4. For a better start in life: Start COLA earlier!
Sips cola. “Ah, the secret to success: caffeine at an early age.”
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5. I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused
Accidentally booked a hot tub with the mafia. Awkward.
6. My girl told me her car wasn’t driving smooth
Turns out, “driving smooth” isn’t a literal instruction. Who knew?
7. You ever sleep so hard… that when you wake up… you need another nap… just from sleeping so hard
The vicious cycle of napception strikes again.
8. Being a game developer
How I thought it would be vs. How it usually is
Imagine coding epic battles. Realizes it’s just fixing bugs for days.
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9. How do I get my toddler back CPS took her? Can I adopt her back?
Frantic Google searches.* “Can you return a toddler like a faulty product?”
10. Listen to Gwen Stefani once
Starts singing “Hollaback Girl”* “This shit is bananas! B-A-N-A-N-A-S!”
11. How am I driving? How does an engine even work?
Ponders life’s mysteries. “Does this steering wheel control my destiny?”
12. Hey sorry I didn’t text you back for 2 weeks.
